So apparently Purgatory is different than what I thought it was. According to my trusty dictionary it's basically hell, which in retrospect makes sense as you'd be purging your sins. But one of my favorite fantasy authors used it as the name for Limbo, so that's what I mean when I say purgatory. Anyway, this two and a half months between school and the internship is doing wonders on my psyche and not all in a good way.
I feel lost half of the time even though I know where I'm going ... it's just that it's taking forever to get there. I hate waiting especially when I know exactly when something is going to happen. If I'm waiting for something that is sometime off in the future at some unspecified date, that's okay, not great but bearable. But waiting for a specific thing, a specific time, a specific departure is torture. I just want to leave tomorrow, right this minute if I could, and get on with it. It's like I'm running a 400 meter hurdle run and I've gotten over all of the hurdles but decided to take a water break right before the finish line. I'm afraid that if I don't go through with this right away, I'm going to lose momentum, that I already have lost a bit of it. Sometimes, I'm absolutely terrified about going to Europe alone and planning on living in country where granted I know a bit of the language but not enough ... argh.
But then I tell myself that everything I'm scared of will just enrich the experience and me in the long run. And I do enjoy throwing myself into something without worrying about the future, I've had practice with that, so I should be fine.
Maybe these few months of nothing are a boon. I have the chance to purge myself not of sin but of doubt, insecurity, fear, and regrets. Not to become a new person, just clean a bit of the dirt off so a bit more of me is visible to the future.
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